I say it a lot and I will probably say it a lot more...I am NOT used to an empty house. I believe that someday, things will change and I will be able to settle in, but for now...when my daughters are gone, I am beside myself, absolutely crawling out of my skin. I live in a wonderful home among wonderful neighbors, but I cannot stand it for long yet without my children. It helped immensely when baby was with us, I could focus on her and forget myself. But now that she is gone, I am lost again.
And so what started as a list to take advantage of a wonderful long weekend has turned into much more. I call it a bucket list, but it is not something I will wait to do. No lofty, pricey craziness to experience before I die. Just a bunch of stuff I want to do, and I give myself a few days to do it.
The long weekend started with taking the girls to the ocean, taking them to a museum, taking them to a pool party, and frollicking around in the neighborhood with no plans. I chose a book to read and I look forward to reading it every night.
This weekend, I am on my own. No daughters. So my list was to visit my oldest and dearest friends who live close by, go to a baseball game and attend surfing class.
I read a bunch of self help books...probably way too many after the divorce. And a main focus was "keep yourself busy." That verbage is pansy. It's not a matter of busying myself. I can do that cleaning my home or working longer hours. It's a matter of finding things that I like to do, that I want to do, that I find joy in doing. And then...getting off my rear end and doing them.
I love life. All of it. Even the yuk. Because I know that without the hellish stuff, there is no appreciation of the joy, the grace, the love that pours over me every single day.
And when I fill my time, my void that absence of children and husband has left behind, with activities that grow me, my love for life grows.
I am humbled again. Who am I to get to do so much? To get to have this much joy in my life? Amen.
