The past three years have held a lot of firsts for me. First time raising children as a single parent. First time out on the town as a divorcee (that word cracks me up). First time struggling financially. First time fostering a child. First time surfing. On and on...and this week. I received my first bad review at work. Ever.
And, wow, was that eye-opening. As I sat alone with my boss and heard all of the things that I had done wrong, all the mistakes I have made, I broke in half. That is just not who I am, someone who half- heartedly completes a task. Especially if other people are dependent on what I am doing. And that is what my boss was seeing. Half completed tasks, that others were having to clean up after I thought I was done.
I scared myself and maybe my boss a little too when tears started rolling out of my eyes, gushing down my face and dripping off my chin. Fortunately, at the beginning of the talk, they had pointed out some stellar work I had done as well. And fortunately they just sat there and watched me cry without comment. And fortunately after I calmed down they said to me "I know you are smarter than this." With that remark, came a chance to do better.
For the first time in my life I thought I was doing really really well when I was not. It's hard not to think of myself as a complete working failure. But I cannot throw in the towel. For the first time in my life, for many reasons (three of which have two long filly legs and beautiful blue eyes) I have to get better at this particular job. I have to work this job, make it a career and rock it. I looked my boss straight in the eye and asked "how?" They had no answer. How can someone else teach you focus, teach you commitment, teach you how to pay attention to the most mundane detail, the most boring task, and perfect that certain task beyond criticism? They cannot. It's something I just have to start doing. Here I go.
