The holidays hit our home in September. First is my daughters' birthday, Second is Halloween (huge in our neighborhood). Third is Thanksgiving. And finally, it is Christmas. We also have a few family birthdays scattered in there.
Every year since the guy I was married to left, I have no idea what to expect. I want to dread the holidays, but I can't. I really love them. I want to throw myself into the bustle of the holidays, but I can't. I really want to cherish my time with my daughters instead of concentrating on decor, shopping and events.
The holidays are here now, almost over really. I am in them, an observer. And this is an illustration of how the time goes...
Around the table at Thanksgiving I am blessing the meal, trying to say some kind of grace. On one side sits my dad, holding my hand. On the other, my precious nephew, holding my other hand. I say a couple words, then sob a little. Because I miss my girls. The hole in my heart aches for them, actually physical pain that I can barely stand.
But I am acutely aware of my 8 year old nephew sitting next to me. He is precious and perfect and so much fun. I realize that, had my daughters been there, I would have been occupied with them and would not have had the one-on-one wonderful time I spent playing with him. Joy is present in conjunction with pain.
And so it goes. Some days, hours, minutes, seconds are brilliant and joyous. We spend time enjoying friends, family, lights, Santa, Christmas programs, stories about Jesus, song and silly dance.
Some days, hours, minutes, seconds are horrible. I feel like an unwanted outcast among my friends and church, I feel like I am really screwed up beyond repair, and I feel just so very angry angry angry.
The horrible times feel like I am taking one step forward and two steps back. I have to reach and find the memory of how much worse it used to be and how much I've healed. I also have to remember that the horrible times are temporary. Sometimes joy is just around the bend, sometimes it is right in front of me and I just need to fine tune my focus to see it.
