I spent the day by myself today. By choice. Because I am in a time of physical healing and my emotions are especially raw, it is better for me and people at large that I spend some time alone. But damn am I lonely. I am not a person who likes to be alone, it is pure discipline and experience that prompted my decision to exclude people from me today. The last couple of years have taught me, that when emotionally raw, I try to fill God's place with people. Therefore, to give room to God, I spent the day alone. I sucked at it. In fact, I couldn't plan it, so I wound up flaking on two commitments. And I couldn't stay in a quiet place and pray and process my thoughts. I had to be out, surrounded by people that I didn't know. Except for one friend that I ran into. I spent my day running around town. And God spoke to me, comforted my heart. Gave me some wisdom. Then when my feet were sore, I came home and wham! I am lonely. I don't know why, when my emotions are raw, lonliness creeps in and takes the comfort and warmth from my home. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I am a mess.
The wisdom God gave me was rich. And sorely needed. I learned that any anger I have toward my husband bounces back on me. But anger I direct toward God gets processed. So that's what I did, in every single place I ran to today, told God about how I am so hurt and angry about specific things.
My husband gave up on me.
My husband knew he neglected me and just shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't want to treat me any better, he just wanted to end the relationship.
My father left me, then my husband left me. The only two men I ever gave my heart to.
I entrusted myself to a man who hid things from me, lied to me, and blamed his leaving on me.
My husband saw all my faults and was angry with me about them, instead of helping me work through them.
I have been robbed of 30% of my time with my children.
I am still not divorced.
I desperately want to be divorced.
These are things that are less than ideal in my life. God, You promise to fill in the gaps. Get to it. Amen.
