As time has passed, I have learned a lot about different fears relating to my present circumstances. Every now and then a new one pops up and shocks me that it is there lying dormant and untamed.
Last night I realized that I am afraid of making my ex-husband angry. That realization shocked me because he has been angry at me ever since he left. Why would I be afraid of making him angry now? But something happened last night. I said something he did not like and he lashed out. As he left my house, I could see that he was really really mad. And all I could think of was how I needed to call him. I needed to tell him why I said what I did and make him see that he didn't have to be mad. If he could just understand my perspective, then he wouldn't be mad. I thought.
This time I decided to do something different. I decided to let it lie. To not do anything. To say to myself, "Yes, he is freaking all out angry." "Yes, he may do something awful to spite me, but that is his choice." It was hard to disregard my co-dependent fix-it emotion, and leave it alone. But it was also good. To own a fear and label it for what it was. It was something that warned me that things were not OK. But as I did not react out of that fear, I slowly realized his anger wasn't my fault. And that I didn't have to fix it. In fact, he IS still mad at me today. I know because he told me so, and you know what? That is just his plain old waste of time. Amen.
