And now I would like to thank publicly my friends and family who do not allow me to hide or feel sorry for myself or my daughters.
Because tonight we went to family church!
I thought most of my dreams about family events were shattered. But they were not, just more different than I ever imagined. Remember family camp and family pictures last summer? I never thought I would be lugging three daughters, all our stuff and ourselves into the woods by myself. I never thought I would have a family portrait without a father in it. But I had both of those, and we kinda just rocked it. I wouldn't trade either of those times for anything in the world. In fact, we've already paid our deposit for camp next summer.
A more permanent, intimidating thing was church. In fact, I left my church because I felt like I needed to be around more people in my situation. We were gone a year, and I made some excellent friends. Then I missed my old friends and my old church and something just plain nagged at me.
I realized I ostracized myself. I was afraid of my friends and their solid relationships. I thought I would be judged or, even worse, pitied. I shied away from anyone who seemed to have a loving husband for a long time. I thought we had nothing in common and that they could not relate to me. I acted unfairly and wrongly.
How my friends got me back was just plain nagging. Not the kind that makes your head hurt, but the kind that makes you wonder why you ever left. Love for my daughters. Love for me.
We returned to my former church last summer sometime. And on my mind was Wednesday night family church. I had always, always looked forward to going to Wednesday night church with the family. We finally went tonight.
My family goes to bed early. At 7 pm. It sounds like I am kidding, but I am not. I guess my gals just need their sleep. So night church ending at 8:30 pm would be a stretch. I put everyone in PJs at 4:30 and made them lay down for a nap. Two were quiet, one fell asleep. We got up, went out to dinner, and went to church. All in our PJs. I was teased a bit, I mean...I was wearing Snoopy PJs, but I was fine with it. I knew that if I framed it in a fun, wonderful PJ party way...my daughters would get on board. They did. They were on board, happy and carefree the whole time. They went to church and were loved to death by the people who work in childcare (God BLESS those people by the way...I hate working in childcare and cannot understand the level of patience and goodness those people have). I went to church and laughed a lot, shared a lot and received prayer.
The prayer that was said shocked me. It was as if this gal I never knew looked in my heart and read my soul. She actually said "give her a new identity, not that of a divorcee carrying shame, but as a new person in You." Wow. I didn't know that was what I was after.
But it was, and is. I want to know my identity. I am over the relationship part, the longing for that particular person back in my life. But I don't know who I am as a single person with no husband and three children. I'm getting to know myself. I realized I like things I thought I hated and I hate things I thought I loved. I'm different, new and the same. All of it. And I like this part. It fascinates me on every level that so much can be wonderful even though it's hard and can result from something horrible.
Thank you nagging friends. Thank you wonderful God.
