No Good Thing happened today. It was a struggle sun up...(or rather from the early hour at which I love to rise)...to sun down (and beyond...still sitting here).
I awoke to children crying for their father, they were so tired, they were too exhausted to function. I dressed them, fed them, got them packed up and left them crying at daycare. I hated myself the whole time.
On the way to work, calmed slightly by a friend who demands I make no decisions out of raw emotions. That I visit her and get grounded. OK. I will. Wish I could do it now.
Shortly after, had a less than wonderful conversation with said father, trying to wrap up loose ends of our never ending divorce settlement. I know better than to have any kind of conversation with him, but I keep reaching, hoping we can be civil. Another lesson learned. Shut up. Stop trying to be nice, to make things better...let God do His job.
At work, couldn't get it together. Actually broke down, a crying mess of a slob, and asked my boss ... who knows how to do this so well ... how she leaves it behind and concentrates on what is in front of her. She told me "I pray." Well dammit, I pray too. And I just couldn't get a hold of myself today.
Left work undercompensating for my job that should have been done. Not exactly stellar for someone trying to build a career.
Picked up the children at daycare, they are still crying, two have had accidents, they are missing Daddy. One is yelling at me for not listening to her, and I cannot figure out what in the world she wants me to hear. We are just not connecting.
At home I demand we all eat ice cream and watch TV. Thus follows our only peaceful, connected time of the day. I polish one gal's nails. We discuss how beautiful her fingers are.
Then, they drive away with Daddy. Another crying mess of goodbyes. I hate this day with all my heart. And Nothing Good follows. Baby has a Dr. appt. Dr. ignores baby's mama (who goes to all appts) and I constantly direct Dr.'s attention back to mama. Mama is hurt and angry. I am livid with the injustice of all. And all of everything that has been today. Livid.
In this anger I realize, I can finally put a finger on what the hell is going on. I can see...my family's exhaustion, my family's struggle for normalcy, my family's intense desire to remain loving and joyful despite our circumstances has bred an open playing field for the devil.
I write all of this knowing that it makes someone's day when I succeed, when I find joy in places that I never expected it. Today I found no joy. Not even in the friends who reached out to me. Today I found disruption, despair, a true feeling that my family will be forever broken, that baby will be forever separated from her mama, that none of us can win this battle.
And I make a conscious decision, that I don't care how I feel. I will still feel it, but I know what to do. Worship music pouring throughout the home is not enough, praying is not enough. It's time to demand my home back and cover it with the only thing that can save us from the attack we are under...Jesus's blood. Amen.
