I asked my husband tonight, "do you not have any reason whatsoever to stay married to me?" He shrugged his shoulders.
Hurtful though it was, I am the idiot. I am the dummy who believes that something will change after 2 years of separation. After he has had another woman in his life. After he has ignored me consistently. I am the one flirting with insanity by expecting something different, but trying the same thing over and over again.
I though because we had three lovlies together, we had a vibrant friendship and a relationship worth fighting for, that we could make it, even through this dark time.
But tonight when he shrugged his shoulders, all I could think was that I have been clinging to a false hope. A hope grounded in what decision he would make, instead of a hope grounded in what miracle of grace God could work in the midst of this disaster. Therefore, as of now, I shift my hope. I shift my hope from what my husband could do to save our marriage, to what God will do to make my daughter's and my future bright. And I am humbled. God is where I should have put my hope this whole time. I'm sorry. Let me start again. Thank you God for letting me. Amen.
