I was talking to my cousin in the kitchen this morning over coffee. We talked about how we do not understand parents who say they need a break from their kids. Whatever relief those parents experience when they are away from their kids, I just don't. And neither does my cousin. We both agreed that to maintain a marriage, there is date night. I know if I need to get away, I exercise, I stay up late, I hang with girlfriends. But taking a break from my kids, like traveling away for the weekend or going on vacation without them is excruciating. I miss them. And so far, it hasn't gotten any easier.
Before, when I was looking for work, I heard a resounding refrain of "oh, it will be nice to talk to adults, it will be nice to use that part of your brain again, and omg, you will get to wear high heels." Well, my daughters' friends parents are adults and I talked to them, I used my whole brain everyday, and I never stopped wearing high heels. So then what?
I started working at a company I love, doing work I love and I miss my daughters like crazy. I actually had a panic attack on the way home today because I confused what day it was and thought they go to their dad's tomorrow and my time was over tonight. I couldn't stop crying and called him in a panic begging to have them stay a little longer at my house. He was quite accomodating, by the way. When I realized it was not tomorrow that they go to his house, I breathed a bit easier, but drove a bit faster. I didn't want to miss one more moment with them.
I am hoping it is a phase, like something that all parents experience when re-entering the workforce. The difference is that I cannot look forward to seeing my daughters every Saturday and Sunday. Because they are with daddy on alternate weekends, our time together has been permanently truncated. I hope I get used to this. I cannot afford a panic attack driving home every evening.
I made need a lot of help with my daughters, but I do not need a break from them.
